I'm not sure if it's because I just turned 30, the speeding up of time, the current administration and political climate, or if it's because of the phase of the moon and the planets or some spiritual download invisible to the human eye, but life seems fast, and chaotic and, well, uneasy. I read last night about a Google employee fired for sharing his insights on gender and diversity. I learned recently of a colleague and friend who started taking benzos for intense anxiety. A client calls crying and overwhelmed at the angry voices that tell her to do more and get it together. Many friends are going through break-ups, or considering one. People on the street seem angry, tense, in a hurry, annoyed. My family member has been looking for a job for nearly a year. And many others are considering a career shift, or wondering what they really want to do with their time, and how to earn a living. Two good friends move to a city for a job, uncertain if they want to live there, and without a house to settle into. Two more friends turn 30 next week: one is calm, cool and collected, the other has been stressing about the day she must become an adult.
I wish I were connected to more children to know if they are also feeling this transition or phase, a disruption in the way of life I thought we knew. But maybe that was illusory, that level of certainty, of feeling in control of life, of my feelings, which went along with security, assuredness, even feelings of satisfaction, elation, achievement, and progress. Whose values were those? As I write out these words they don't feel like qualities that nourish my soul. And yet the current turmoil makes me long for a time when things felt solid and sure.
Sure, some things in my life are solid: I just got married and I know that is absolutely what I want and a commitment I feel good about. But now what? I sort of predicted that I might experience a deflation after all the activity of the wedding. For months, no, years, I planned for that day, June 24th. And now it's come and gone. It was a good day, but it's in the past. How can I appreciate those things that have brought me joy and are now complete? Difficulty in endings. But there is a deep satisfaction in the still moments... after a delicious meal, floating after making love, resting after working out. Are those just hormones telling me to feel good? What about when they wear off? When I return to normal waking state, baseline, status quo? Can there be joy there, where it is stable and steady and rooted in daily life? Are these the questions of a brand new 30 year old? Are other people on the planet feeling this too?
I know it's a time to return to practices that root and calm. Meditation, yoga, breathing, journaling, drinking tea and lots of water. Eating slow cooked stews and sweet potatoes. Going on walks at the beach at sunset. Having an hour long phone call with a friend, just because. There's a part of me that craves this and absolutely needs this level of care right now. But then there's that other part, I call my bad girl, she reads this and rolls her eyes, it's Summer, in San Diego! I still feel like a young adult. Guests are visiting and want to see breweries and bars. We get invited to weeknight dinners with wine and dessert. I buy pints of ice cream, chill rosé and eat giant watermelons until my stomach hurts. Is this fun? It is, all the way up until someone gets hurt! But it's subtle, shifting off-balance just enough to realize something isn't quite right. The effort it feels like it takes to realign, umph! But it's really only the initial mental energy to switch gears. This writing was a first step and already I can feel the positive effects of aligning myself with what is good, instead of lamenting at the loss of what can be fun, and also not so good! It's really not as hard as taking the first step, or should I say, it's exactly that hard!
